Characters: Kim Minseok (Xiumin), Lu Han (Luhan), Huang Zi Tao (Tao)
Pairing: Implied Sehun/Luhan
Category: AU, Angst, Drama, Deathfic
Words (in chapter): 1063
Warning: Character death, sadness, you might cry
Summary: It's over...
It was over, of that he was sure. He’d never thought it would have ended this way, not with the way they’d started. It was a whirlwind and he’d gotten so swept away with emotion that it never entered his mind that in an instant it’d all be taken from him. The love of his life was gone and his heart was broken and there was nobody to blame but himself.
“We never talk anymore”
“What happened to you?”
“What happened to us?”
“Are you okay?”
“Please, talk to me...”
“I can’t do this anymore...”
He traced a photograph of them, the last one together, actually, and thought back over the words they’d exchanged. There were countless conversations spanning months that led up to this exact moment. The drift apart happened faster than he thought it would have. Looking back in time, it’s easy to see where it all went wrong.
“All we had is gone...”
“You’ve shut me out”
“I can’t reach you”
The photograph he’d been holding shattered against the wall. Their entire time together was a lie. He wrapped his arms around his legs, pulled them tight against his chest and buried his face against his knees. Hadn’t he been happy? He thought it was impossible for anything to pull them apart. How wrong he was.
The breath that filled his lungs burned against the struggle of holding back tears. He longed for a way to show his open scars, so that everyone could see his pain, see just how much it hurt to let go of the only person he’d ever trusted, ever loved. The only person to see him. None of that mattered now, though, did it? They were over and the damage was done, no looking back.
He wasn’t strong enough to hold them together. The battle to let him in and push him away was so hard. It was an everyday struggle and he lost. All they had left was broken trust and empty promises. He wouldn’t cry. Fingernails dug into his palms and he felt the skin break. A small fraction of pain releasing from his body and he could inhale just a little bit more.
The other members watched him miss dance steps, warned him that if he wasn’t able to keep up ...well, he knew what would happen and a part of him longed for it. Longed for a way out that couldn’t be labeled as him quitting. He’d take failure over quitting, at least then he’d be able to say he tried, even if he didn’t try very hard.
What was the point of trying anymore? All he cared about was gone. Everything he worked for, all of those nights spent earning his trust and convincing him to open up, wasted. So much time that could have been spent elsewhere was instead wasted on someone who left anyway. Who wasn’t strong enough?
Food no longer held any joy for him. The noodles tasted like ash and the rice dry. He longed for home, his mother’s soft hand to caress his hair and tell him he’d survive this. There was no way home, he was trapped in a company that owned his soul until they deemed he’d paid back their kindness. Had he known when he auditioned what it was really like...
Performance after performance, concert after concert, he would always try and smile. The fans counted on him. He owed them a debt of gratitude just like the company. He’d never repay either of them. There wasn’t enough time to show his gratitude or rather his servitude, at least on the part of the company. His body was breaking right alongside his mind. Could a person really die of a broken heart? A self-induced broken heart?
There was nothing he could say to fix it. There was nothing that could be done and that was the hardest thing he’d ever had to accept. If only he could just go home and erase the last few years, the touches, the whispers, the friendship.
Minseok, sweet Minseok would always know. He always knew when something was wrong and he’d always show up at the door, sympathy in his eyes and an embrace waiting for a broken soul to cling to him. He’d never said anything during the long hours they’d lie together, only stroked hair, snuggled deeply, and held on until he fell asleep in his arms. Minseok was always gone by the time he woke back up and he wasn’t sure if that hurt more than the loss of ...
It’s better to have loved and lost? He didn’t think that was so true. It fact, it wasn’t true at all. To love and lose feels like someone carved a hole in your soul and continuously fills the hole with acid, eroding your feelings and emotions and slowly killing you from the inside out. He wanted to scream in agony, but instead he held it inside and smiled when he needed to. He played the good hyung. The good ge. He was there for any of the members when he needed them. The first to soothe and reassure, but the last ask the same of them.
The worst part of it all was when he’d watch him interact with the other members. He didn’t care who saw them embrace. There was no hesitancy in his touches and he initiated hugs, pets, backhugs...he initiated it all, as if on purpose just to twist the knife that much deeper. Did he really have no idea what he was doing or how his actions hurt?
“Han ge, it’s time to go.”
He looked up and nodded. He stood on shaky legs, feeling tingles all over his body and prayed it’d happen quickly. One unsteady step forward was all he managed before collapsing to the ground. Tao rushed to his side just as he lost full consciousness to the sound of Tao’s repeated screaming for someone, anyone, to help them. Lu Han’s fist unclenched as his body went limp in Tao’s embrace. Tao looked down and saw a note and an empty pill bottle, through his tears. He reached for the note, yelled again for help, but no one came.
“Tell them all I know now, all we had is gone now” was written above two names.
Lu Han and Oh Se Hun